A Red State Mystic.

(NOTE: Before you all email and comment about how I hate feminists and such, please understand that my overuse of the word 'Vagina' and critiques of the modern feminist movement is done in hopes of sarcastic satire.  I hope and pray that your Vagina is free from the tyrannical reign of man -- unless you are married to him.)

ALTHOUGH I CANNOT always say this, the radical feminists inspired me Sunday evening.  I was inspired by their fierce determination to free their woman parts from the firm grasp of the patriarchal system of manhood, by declaring Valentine's Day to be Vagina (Or violence against Vaginas) Day.  Due to the fact that as a white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant on this, our over-commercialized, antiquated, and overdrawn holiday of Valentine's Day, I was immediately led to feel guilty for the fact that I have, at one time or another, actually held a certain amount of love for these Vaginas.  Moreover, I dare not speak for the fact that I once considered dating a vagina a time or two for fear of the Tolerance Inquisition, led by a certain Dr. Ms. who teaches Women's Studies at Berkley.  Now, all cheeky talk aside, I think that these Feminists are on to something -- something that our underprivileged and subjective women and we WASPs can learn.

SINCE I AM for the most part a Republican, I have not had time to participate in any protests on my small private liberal arts college campus.  Well, let us face it, the last protest that Milligan saw was against President Harding's participation in the Teapot Dome Scandal of 1921, and all reports say that there were no bras burned at this one.  Therefore, with the fact that I will be turning twenty in the next two months and I have never had a chance to 'stick it to the man' (even though I voted for him) I think it’s time.  I think it's time I dusted off those old Joan Baez records, get me a picket sign, and spread my message to my fellow human beings of the fact that Men have also been freed from the quixotic ideals of love.  After all, if the Vaginas have already left us, for whom are we still opening doors?

I CAN SEE it now; it is a blistery Tuesday, as the wind travels swiftly down from Buffalo Mountain.  Gathered in front of Derthick Hall are a few stragglers, mostly downtrodden and forlorn people, who have either been dumped by their significant other or who have found no compatible partner in there treacherous trek through life.  The chant begins to rise: "Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho! Valentine's Day has got to go!" Groups from the Depressed Anon. Club come over and join us, hitting their drums not quite on or off the beat. "What do we want?" someone screams through a megaphone. The crowd of twelve responds, "LOVE!" "When do we want it?" "NOW! OR AT SOME TIME THAT'S CONVIENT, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU?!"  Face it, depressed and lonely folks whose only motivation to protest is to find some other beautiful depressed and lonely person; do not exactly give the same power that the Million Mom's March had.  Well, they did have Rosie O'Donnell.

NOW, YOU ALL know that I do not have the guts to do this.  I don't mind Valentine's Day too much as long as it is not over-commercialized or thrown in the face of every single person in the world.  Here are three simple steps, you dating couples, on how to be VD Conscious:
1) Do Not Give Your Gift In Front of Anyone.  That is right -- you should not give your gift to your one and only special person in front of anyone, for fear that there might be a single person around you.  And You don't want to be the cause of a potential suicide, do you? To best combat this, find a completely secluded room and give your gift there, potentially with the lights turned off and voice distorters used.  Keep the romance alive by keeping it a mystery.
2) Girls, Do Not Compare Gifts With Your Friends.  This is just plain annoying from a person’s prospective.  Now, I am a thoughtful gift giver, so that means I have been known to give out books that I thought matched people and their tastes.  A very low-key gift, but has a lot of thought involved.  Just because I did not get us a couple’s photo shoot at the Boudoir Studio or shower you with roses and illiterate poems every second does not mean that my gift is any less good.  YOU just need a true adjustment on what Chivalric thought is.  I suggest you read Medieval Poetry to get a good grasp of it.
3) Guys, Buy Your Girls the Same Gift.  I am not saying it has to be cheap or anything, but I think of it as Valentine's Day in a Marxist Country: 
Guy: "Happy Valentine's Day.  Here is some Borsch."
Girl 1: "That is so sweet, I love you darling."
(Later that evening in the girl's dorm...)
Girl 1: "What did Elka get for you?"
Girl 2: "Borsch. Isn't he sweet?"
Girl 1: "Indeed."

SO, WITH ALL of this in mind, I return to our Orgasm-depraved Feminists and their urge to free their woman parts from the patriarchal grasp of Chivalric males who only wish to drive the car, open the door, and pay the bill.  I do not know, but if I had a vagina, I would not be complaining about that.  I would be happy with my Borsch and simply say thank you by loving my significant other with all the love I had to give.  But, I have a penis, so that means that I do not have the freedom to do this.  It is five in the morning of Valentine's Day, I wonder how many middle aged men I will have to fight for that last package of the Whitman's Sampler.  Because, there is no better way to show my love for my girlfriend than to spend $7.99 at Walgreen's...

I'm sitting here
smelling a Gardenia Incense stick I just lit,
listening to Debussy's, "Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune",
drinking a coke, and
writing for enjoyment.

Such is the sweet bliss, friends, such is the sweet bliss.

(I NEED to get a life.)

Well, my brother Matt’s wedding is Saturday. It’s a smaller family affair that I am looking forward to attending. Laura, his fiancé, is one of my most favorite people! It’ll be nice to finally have someone in the family who likes to read -- or who can, for that matter. J

I’ll be providing the music for this service and here is what I have planned,

BUT, look, I’m playing for a Wedding, and I don’t have to play Vivaldi’s Canon in D. It’s a miracle!