A Red State Mystic.

I have a security blanket that I do not let people know about. It is tattered and old, and really just a thin conglomeration of rags, which once formed a blanket that I used to wrap around myself whenever I felt cold and lonely. I kept me warm and reminded me of a better place but a place that I did not know because I had never been there.

However, as time wore on, the blanket began to fall apart. Its felt-like texture, which used to be soft against my cold body, had become matted and hard over time. So much so, that when I would wrap myself in its once silky smooth embrace, it would cut into my body like briers. It hurt so much that I began to bleed whenever I put it on.

Now, that I am a little older and a little smarter, I think that is the reason why I felt warm all the time with my blanket around me. The tattered rag did not keep me warm, but it was the blood. The blood, caused by that very blanket, which pored from the open wounds that kept me warm.

Yet, from time to time, I still pull out that old tattered and sharp blanket. It still cuts into my side. Maybe I fell in love with the memory, the place of being secure because it still reminds me of a place that I do not know because I have never been there.

It would appear as if for the last week I have been living in a perpetual state of fasting, you know that feeling of emptiness and repentance. However, the strange thing is, is that I have not fasted a single day. The things that used to give me joy, no longer satisfy me. Friendships that I used to value suddenly have little to no importance. Things I used to be talented in, I seem to have been made stupid in those areas. It seems as if all my conversations have to revolve around Jesus or the church. Even though I keep face in conversations that do not revolve around Him, interiorly I feel the need to get away from there as fast as I can.

I sang this evening at Vespers with a group of ten people. Normally, this would bring me great joy, as I love to sing the old fashioned hymns of my youth. However, the whole time I felt as if my words were going five feet and falling to the floor. My only non-worship related thought was, "My God, please let me get off this stage."

It seems as if the only thing I can do or that brings me joy is to pray or read the Psalms. Then, pray I shall with my whole heart until God brings me to such a state of union with Him, that you cannot tell where He begins and I end. I feel as if I am becoming numb to the things and operations of this world, and am becoming alive the living Spirit of God who dwells within me.

I have never felt as completely and utterly useless before in my life.

Have you realized that people get drunk faster when they're hungry?

"And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery; but be filled with the Spirit,
addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart,
always and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father.(Ephesians 5:18-20"

Look beyond the words and there you shall find truth.

This weekend shall be a time for silence and contemplation.

Envelope me, O God,
Wrap me in your love.
Let your peace roll across me,
Over me, let your banner be love.
Let my sin be far from me.
From me drive the evil.
Envelope me, O God,
Wrap me in your love.

I ask you to keep me in your prayers over the next few days.

Today has been an interesting day and unlike most movies, it started pretty bad, but ended very well. I went for about an hour walk around campus this evening as the Sun set next to Buffalo Mountain, it was a wonderful time of clarity. And this hymn from my Baptist childhood days was stuck in my head:

“When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”

Its amazing how hymns from our youth will spring up at a moment’s notice, especially when we least expect it. This hymn had started playing early in my evening’s walk and was just part of the soundtrack of my mind, so I didn’t give it much thought. However as I walked and prayed, I realized that it was speaking the answer to my prayers, even before I said them!

So, if you’re like me and need to reminded often of the promises of God, which we so easily forget, here is this wonderful passage from Ephesians,

“May blessing (praise, laudation, and eulogy) be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) Who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual (given by the Holy Spirit) blessing in the heavenly realm!(1:3, AMP)”

So often, I am concerned about materialistic things. What if I don’t have enough for the necessities from Wal-Mart? What if I can’t pay for classes? What if I can’t pay for books? What if, What if, What if? These things God has already taken care of for me and my family. He is great, and my confidence is in Him, who brings this great work to completion! God’s done this with many, many people throughout all of recorded history! (God, in His infinite wisdom, often reminds me of George Müller, and the amazing true stories surrounding the founding and operation of an orphanage He was led to build. If you’ve never heard of him, I highly recommend you check him out!)

So, I choose to put my trust with the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Who delivered His people from bondage, and led them to their promised land. Who led His servant David, the least of his brothers, to become the greatest king of Israel. Who guided the nation through tough and faithless times. Who, ultimately spoke words of renewal and restoration, often through repentance. Who, sent His Most Holy Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, as an atonement for our sins, and who brings us back to full communion with the Father.

I choose to put my trust with Him, who sent the twelve disciples and Paul to far corners of the world, to preach and bear witness to His good news. Who led and guided the early church, and kept her teachings orthodox throughout the centuries. Who has blessed us with the works of the Church Fathers, who teach and guide us, through Your Holy Spirit, to this day. Who had the One True Faith, become the faith of the largest nation in the world. Who had made The One True Faith to become spread throughout the known world through wonderful missionary work. Who led Martin Luther to reform the Church from its corrupt and stagnant ways. Who sent us St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, Madame Guyon, and Brother Lawrence, to teach us about the wonderful depths of prayer. Who, led the New World to a New Salvation in Christ. Who, led a great and mighty revival among the people of the United States. Who led George Müller to start and Orphanage with little to no money, and who continually blessed them with substance and health. Who, blessed William Seymour with the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, and blessed Los Angeles with the Azusa Street Revival, sweeping the twentieth Century with a newly rediscovered work of the Holy Spirit. Who led Dennis Bennett, an Episcopal Priest, to also discover this new work of the Holy Spirit, and share it with his Church, leading the way in the Charismatic Renewal, which led to numerous people, both Catholic and Protestant, to this Baptism of the Holy Spirit.

Who led Andy to Milligan College, providing every need and every want along the way, who has blessed him with every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies, and who will continue to lead and use him in new and exciting ways, to the Glory of God the Father, in Christ Jesus, Amen.

I’m in good company, so I choose to Trust and Obey.

So, I make the short walk from Webb Hall to Seeger Chapel this evening, to spend some quiet time in prayer and contemplation. For those of you who have ever lived in a dorm -- a guy’s dorm, especially-- then you know that silence is a sparse commodity, much sought after, but seldom found. At around eight or so, I walk into Seeger, with only its electric chandeliers as light, the perfect amount of light to pray, if you ask me. I’m well on my way to peace and solitude as I walk up the stairs to my usual spot on the first row of the balcony.

However, as soon as I reach the top of the stairs, I hear one of the side doors open. “Joyous days,” I think to myself, “Someone is here. Now, that’s not a very Christian thing to say! Well, it’s the truth. Forget it, I might as well, just go and pray.” I turn my just rolled eyes to the side door, still making my way to the spot, and see him enter. Oh, my friends this just isn’t any male who happened to walk through the front door, but this is a guy, on his cell phone. And this isn’t your average guy cell phone user, but this is the same guy, who every time I see him around campus, he’s always on his phone. Every. Single. Time. I know that some young college students have separation issues, but my goodness. So, he walks in, talking loudly, as all cell phone users do, and looks at me. I avoid eye contact afraid that my eyes would give away the merciless thoughts, and continue to make my way to my seat.

So, I finally sit down. But ostentatious Cell Phone User #1, continues walking around the lower part of Seeger and proceeds to walk up and down the aisles of the Chapel. By this time, even the inner Christian in me is wanting to strangle him with my bare hands and choke him with his cell phone. Dangerous thoughts flash across my eyes. I enjoy a few seconds of this perverse murderous pleasure, but then realize that that is a terrible thing to think. I have to remind myself, “God, you are the God of Cell phone users. Jesus, You died for cell phone users. God forgive me.”

My soul, now clean from its wanton homicidal rage, yearns for prayer. Well, ostentatious cell phone user #1, has now made his way up and down, what seemed like every aisle in the building, all while, of coarse, babbling on his cell phone. I see this as an ample opportunity to get quiet and enjoy the first few moments of non-movement, and try to slow my breathing down. “Just be patient,” I thought, “he can’t be in here forever.” Oh, but he seems to want to stay until the rapture! He proceeds to make a second course through all the aisles, this time, not only talking loudly, but laughing hysterically also. (I’ve never been one to say that laughter doesn’t belong in the church, but I was starting to think I might switch theological grounds tonight!)

“I just want to pray, Lord, is that too much to ask?” I think/pray, “I. Just. Want. To. Pray.” By now, five minutes have passed, but it feels like an eternity. “Okay,” my manly rational side of the brain takes over, “If he’s not out of here soon, in like a minute or so, I’m going to say, ‘Excuse me, must you use your cell phone in here?’” Or, since I was feeling very passive-aggressive, “Won’t you get better reception outside?”

Thank God, by about his fourth trip around the building, he walks out the back doors.
I sigh.

And immediately ask God to forgive me for all the sins that I had specifically committed in the last five minutes. Realizing that I’m not a very good Christian, and am in dire need of God’s forgiveness, I continue with Vespers in the LoH, and spend some wonderful time in the presence of God.

So, quite sometime passes, and I’ve finished praying the office, and am now just sitting in the silence, praying to God for all of my needs, for all of you and your needs, and for whomever the Lord happened to lay on my heart for that evening. I’m finally get to that beginning stage of prayer where you start to loose the realization of things that are going on around you, I start entering into real communion with God. Then, I hear the side door open. “Don’t listen, Don’t listen, keep focused!” It was as if the sound of people walking in Seeger Chapel, was somehow like the sirens. “DON’T listen, DON’T open your eyes!”

Of coarse, I do. The feeling was something like if a rubber band is stretched and flung back to its original position. I open the corner of my right eye, to see ostentatious cell phone user #1, not on his cell phone, walk in with two other people. Not only where they talking loudly, but also laughing. Laughing loudly. By this time, I had spent enough time in prayer, not to want to shout, but I just sigh, and resign myself over to these events.

Apparently, ostentatious cell phone user #1 was looking for something that someone else in the party had left there. “I don’t know, I looked all over for it. When I came in, though, there was a guy walking up the stairs.” The female of the group replies, “Who that guy?” Buy this time, I had closed my eyes and bowed my head, to make it look obvious that I was praying, hoping they’d realize that I was praying and respect the solitude. But apparently, they thought that since I was in the same room, that I couldn’t hear them nor feel them pointing to me. All of a sudden, the other male in the party’s cell phone rings. Oh my Lord. They travel in packs.

Ostentatious cell phone user #2 continues his conversation, while his two friends start one of their own, and I decide that it’s time to walk out. So, back down the long walk and down the stairs. The whole time I look down, not wanting to ruin the interior silence that had been built up for the last while. However, where the spiral staircase turns, so I had to face where they were, I decided to wave and smile, just to let them know I’m not a serial killer rapist who stalks in the dark at Churches. They wave back, and ostentatious cell phone user #1 give me a really funny look. “Eyes to the Floor! Eyes to the Floor! Don’t loose the quiet!” I walk out of Seeger, and the sun has long been set. Its dark out.

I sigh.

Jesus, you died for Cell phone users. But would you like to see them quicker? Lord, forgive me, I’m not who I think I am. I am still a desperate sinner, in desperate need of your grace. Forgive me.

So, since arriving in college, last Saturday, I’ve realized I have made a grave mistake. While getting used to all the new things, buildings, professors, friends, family, I have not had time to sit and contemplate the things of God. Rather, honestly, I should say that I have not made the time for the deep contemplation that I am used to. Yes, I still pray, and yes, I still practice the presence of God, but just sitting in silence in front of an awesome God has eluded me. I had thrown aside the thing that will help me the most.

Shut it out, Andy,
Let it go.
These new experiences have you starry-eyed.
Shut it out,
Ascend those mighty steps
To the great presence of the Lord.
Shut it out,
You are in the here and now,
Let the glory of the Lord flow
At this time, at this instance.
Shut out the things of this world,
That distract, that encourage.
That confuse, that understand.
Journey upward by going inward.

Lord, have mercy on me, for not trusting you.
For saying you are my all, but not always being my all.
I give you this time, Lord.
I give you this time.
To shut up the things of the world,
And to turn your intense silence,
From which you speak,
Up.

O, that I might be yours,
Every ounce,
Every fiber,
Every loose strand,
May be consumed by you.
Let me be, but only a drop
In the great river of your spirit.

“Almighty God,
to whom all hearts are open,
all desires known,
and from whom no secrets are hid:
Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit,
that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name,
through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Deep calls unto deep, Lord, so I call out to you,
Let me not be turned away.

Amen.

Since I referenced The Chapel of Jesus Christ in the Wildeness numerous times and have had many conversations about it, I decided to take some picutres of it, to inspire you to start your own "prayer closet"

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I’ve been praying rather dangerously these last few days. In fact, since my last late night experience have my prayers switched to such a precarious level. The last time I remember praying prayers like this was right around Chrysalis and the Baptism by fire.

"God, use me! Do not let another day pass without me being used. God, use me! Use me in such a way, that it will not only edify those around me, but those in generations to come. God, use me! Amen.”

Just now, writing that has--as the we Pentecostals say-- “Stirred me up.” Every time I pray that prayer, I get extremely nervous, but suddenly feel a great release, and my faith is greatly strengthened. This wilderness of silence in the closet, literally, has had me itching to go out and be used by God. But, I am resigned, as much as I can be, to His will. If the Chapel of Jesus Christ in the Wilderness is where I’m to be for the rest of my life, then I will do so. But God, please, USE ME!

May God, in His infinite grace, use you and me to His wonderful and infinite end. Amen.